Looking closely in my laundry room, you'll see that Mary is missing from the display above my sink. Is she gone folding or ironing? Did she go check on my baby sleeping? Is she talking to the dust bunnies under the couch?
Well, wherever she is, I can't see her - but she's definitely here in this house. I feel her presence. She's in my children's smiles, and their tears, in my husbands hugs, my mother's phone calls, the chores done not by me, the sunshine through my window at breakfast, this blog. Mary's all around me this month, trying to help me through some of my toughest days ever.
I've been in a state of depression longer than clinically known. It's all hormonally linked, and unbearable some days more than others. There are medicines I've taken, therapists talked to. My new found life of fitness has been my best natural release of stresses. It's hard, the roller coaster of emotions, harder than I can explain here. Kind of like a menopause in my 20s. It pushes on the hearts of my family, and tears my own heart apart some days. But every day, my faith in God has carried me over the hurdles, patched the holes, and He has sent me angels of mercy and peace.
I look to the Blessed Mother Mary, her sorrows, her trials. She certainly had God's graces poured out onto her - but she still suffered. Her heart must have borne unbearable knowledge, thoughts, grief. So what trials do I have that measure up to hers? None. What am I so worried over - piddly things. Things that most people brush off their shoulders every day - yet seem like elephants on my own shoulders. Am I crazy?
NO - that isn't so, Mary says to me. These trials will make you stronger, like me. Each moment I make it through, each burden I offer up - it all has merit. I may not know it now or feel it now - but the time will come when all this suffering will come to pass and I will feel God's embrace. It's always there, just harder to feel now.
If Mary can raise God's son, with all it's trials, and become a Queen for her efforts - If I think of that each time I struggle to pull myself out of bed. Then there is hope, there will be hope of good moments in the day, hope of smiles and sunshine at the breakfast table. And Mary will stand beside me as I do my chores, teach my children, and become a better, stronger wife, mother and friend. And then I can have hope that She'll be there to welcome me when I walk into the gates of Heaven someday.
- If you read this, thank you. It was mostly for me to look at as a reminder on my "bad days." But also to give some inkling of hope for other mom's who may feel the same way.