I am still trying to believe it and be happy - but every cramp, blood spot, every worry in my head is keeping me from that happiness of this pregnancy. Before my youngest was concieved, I had miscarried twice. It was very traumatic because I was going through an emotional breakdown already. After we announced to everyone we were pregnant I lost the baby the next day, and the second miscarriage I didn't tell anyone out of embarrasment. So I was very hesitant telling everyone this time, even though Sabrina (born just 14 months ago) turned out just perfectly. There are still all those "what if's." In Shower of Roses' blog who recently miscarried, she mentioned:
I read here that it is normal after having a previous miscarriage to have these feelings of fear. This is the only medical hope that I have:
"Usually, by the time bleeding begins your baby has already died, unless it is around the 6 weeks period when only a small
amount of blood is lost and then there is an 80% your baby will be
fine. Sometimes a small amount of blood is lost when the placenta matures at
about 7 weeks and takes over the progesterone production. This can be
frightening but is quite common and in most cases your pregnancy will continue
as normal without harming the baby at all. These situations only lead to a
miscarriage in 20% of cases."
The majority of my hope comes from God, that he will take care of me and this child. My faith is the main factor in me still being here and my ability to come through even the roughest of times. Many of you have read about our hard times earlier this year dealing with unemployment and facing many financial and emotional lows. But only by the Grace of God we made it through.
I am frightened for more reasons that this. While we were being open to the possibility of life, we were NOT trying to get pregnant. We left it in God's hands to decide. And now that He has made His decision for us to be pregnant, I am doing all I can to accept it and be joyful for His special Gift of Life to us. My physical and mental health are in desperate need of care. It is very soon for me to be getting pregnant after having 3 c-sections, the last just 14 months ago. I was trying to wait 3 years and 100lbs of fat less. There is a risk of rupture in the third trimester, and I am scared as heck to go into surgery. The last surgery was very traumatic. Luckily I have a great faith, supportive family, and caring therapist. My therapist had just suggested I go back on my antidepressents, and now I realize my breakdown I spoke to her about was caused by the fluctuating hormones from this pregnancy. Luckily something in me said to wait to go on the meds until I was certain if I was pregnant or not.
I have been in a constant state of prayer since last night. I had numerous nightmares while I slept restlessly. Then I awoke back into prayer, begging God to help me through this time. Begging God to let me keep this baby, so that he or she may know me in this life as we are already planning for. But at the same time, allowing God to take him or her into heaven if He really needs this baby there for a greater purpose that I could ever imagine.
So here we are - in this moment of realizing God's unexplainable mysteries. Praying and begging God to help us accept whatever his will is for us. Today I pray. I keep my mind busy with my three beautiful children. And I try to stay confident that God knows exactly what He is doing.
Thank you for your time...
Please keep us in your prayers!
Some beautiful link's I've found lately:
- Baby Center - my favorite spot to watch my baby grow and learn more about my children!
- Here is a link about someone who lost their baby at this stage of life.
- And here is a link to fellow Christian who wrote about her acceptance of God's Will for her baby.
- Understanding Miscarriages
- Natural Family Planning
- Information before you have a Cesarian birth. A must read!!! I wish I had a long time ago.