Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Trying to see the pluses!

As you have all begun to notice from little hints I left on my blog page...

I am pregnant!



I am pregnant and in my 6th week. I knew from the moment of conception as I have with all 6 of my pregnancies. I took the test Nov 26th, then again last night just to reassure myself that this is all real! And there was that plus sign, staring me back in the face. Of course I cried... again! This time a happier cry paired with a smile. Less hyperventilating and freaking out.

I am still trying to believe it and be happy - but every cramp, blood spot, every worry in my head is keeping me from that happiness of this pregnancy. Before my youngest was concieved, I had miscarried twice. It was very traumatic because I was going through an emotional breakdown already. After we announced to everyone we were pregnant I lost the baby the next day, and the second miscarriage I didn't tell anyone out of embarrasment. So I was very hesitant telling everyone this time, even though Sabrina (born just 14 months ago) turned out just perfectly. There are still all those "what if's." In Shower of Roses' blog who recently miscarried, she mentioned:

St. John Vianney once said, "our greatest cross is our fear of crosses."

That is where I am - in fear of the cross I just might bear in the next week or so if complications should arise. How can I move on and be happy now, and how will I move on if it is God's Will to bring this child into heaven? Can I let go and let God? Until I know for certain, I am reading her words on her blog and many of you as commenter's words of encouragement, to help me move forward and just feel blessed for whatever time I have with this child - be it short or long.

I read here that it is normal after having a previous miscarriage to have these feelings of fear. This is the only medical hope that I have:


"Usually, by the time bleeding begins your baby has already died, unless it is around the 6 weeks period when only a small
amount of blood is lost and
then there is an 80% your baby will be
fine. Sometimes a small amount of blood is lost when the placenta matures at
about 7 weeks and takes over the progesterone production. This can be
frightening but is quite common and in most cases your pregnancy will continue
as normal without harming the baby at all. These situations only lead to a
miscarriage in 20% of cases."

The majority of my hope comes from God, that he will take care of me and this child. My faith is the main factor in me still being here and my ability to come through even the roughest of times. Many of you have read about our hard times earlier this year dealing with unemployment and facing many financial and emotional lows. But only by the Grace of God we made it through.


I am frightened for more reasons that this. While we were being open to the possibility of life, we were NOT trying to get pregnant. We left it in God's hands to decide. And now that He has made His decision for us to be pregnant, I am doing all I can to accept it and be joyful for His special Gift of Life to us. My physical and mental health are in desperate need of care. It is very soon for me to be getting pregnant after having 3 c-sections, the last just 14 months ago. I was trying to wait 3 years and 100lbs of fat less. There is a risk of rupture in the third trimester, and I am scared as heck to go into surgery. The last surgery was very traumatic. Luckily I have a great faith, supportive family, and caring therapist. My therapist had just suggested I go back on my antidepressents, and now I realize my breakdown I spoke to her about was caused by the fluctuating hormones from this pregnancy. Luckily something in me said to wait to go on the meds until I was certain if I was pregnant or not.



I have been in a constant state of prayer since last night. I had numerous nightmares while I slept restlessly. Then I awoke back into prayer, begging God to help me through this time. Begging God to let me keep this baby, so that he or she may know me in this life as we are already planning for. But at the same time, allowing God to take him or her into heaven if He really needs this baby there for a greater purpose that I could ever imagine.

So here we are - in this moment of realizing God's unexplainable mysteries. Praying and begging God to help us accept whatever his will is for us. Today I pray. I keep my mind busy with my three beautiful children. And I try to stay confident that God knows exactly what He is doing.

Thank you for your time...

Please keep us in your prayers!

& family



Some beautiful link's I've found lately:

8 comments:

  1. Congratulations! I am fervently praying for you. My last two were both "C's" --- they called them "crashes". Very scary, so I know what you are going through. Don't hesitate to call or email me if you need anything!

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  2. You have my prayers, one Ave just lifted.

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  3. I will just say Congrats again...couldn't wait? I'm glad, prayers are always good!!!

    A baby is always a good thing, what's better than a baby at Christmas?

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  4. Just remember I've had 4 c-sections already and all turned out fine. (although I hate them and throw up the entire time) Stacie L. is having her 6th c-section in February. My last 2 were close too, I got pregnant with Clare when Katherine was 17mos and pregnant with Angela when Clare was 12 mos. The space the doctors wanted USED to be 2 years between surgeries, now it is 3, why the change? 2 will be fine!!!

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  5. Just keep trusting in God and believe in the love of your family and know that you have friends everywhere keeping you in prayer!

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  6. I've tagged you for a thankful meme. You have more to be thankful for - I can't get over how awesome it is that God has again blessed you this way. Hang in there!
    Hugs,
    Sarah

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  7. FROM MY DAD:

    Melissa my wonderful daughter,

    We do keep you in our prayers at all times. Your faith has made you strong in many ways, but weak in the most important way, weak before God. He desires of us to come to him for everything, not just those things that we think we can’t handle (as if we can handle anything at all!) Stay in his presence and continue to pray for a smile, a laugh, a time of peace. Be ready for Him to surprise you and TRUST in all things in Him, no matter what. We say that He has all things in His hands, and we claim that all things work for the good, but we need to believe that also. I know it’s hard, that’s why we pray so much for you, hoping that God will give you rest and consolation, peace and relief.

    Know that we are with you always. You know you have a strong prayer warrior just waiting for you to ask her to pray – your grandmother Ludy. She loved you and still loves you, why don’t you ask her to pray for you and to help you through this, she probably has the time on her hands to do it…

    All our love,
    Dad

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  8. Congrats! May Our Blessed Lady of Guadalupe protect you and your beautiful unborn baby! She will give you the strength and courage daily!

    God bless,

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Thank you for reading about our family. I look forwards to sharing ideas, joys and struggles. God Bless you in your journey!

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